Once again...

...Deep sigh, and I guess I shouldn't be suprised.

Today was the wedding reception of one of my regular clients. I have been doing her and her mother's hair for over 11 years, and we have become friends with the rest of their family. Her nephew is a year older than Aaron and we have spent several afternoons with them out around town.

Every time we go places, especially these types of events, we talk about how to behave and what is acceptable. Everytime. And everytime, he repeats what is expected of him and what isn't. He repeats the consequences of bad behavior and the rewards for good behavior. He knows them backwards and forwards, and backwards again. My husband and I are so consistent, so consistent! Always, everytime, without exception.

So it ends like it does every time, and yet again I sit here ashamed of my son's behavior, even though I know it is not his fault, our ours. We had to leave after not even a half an hour because he started jumping up and down and yelling and screaming, and was out of control. The scary part is that he is now too big for me to just pick him up and carry him out to the car. To pick up an 86 pound child doing everything in his control to evade your grasp is no easy thing!

I feel like we are unable as a family to go anywhere or participate in anything, and it makes me sad. I wish I could just ignore the stares and rude comments of people, but my skin isn't thick enough. It should be after 8 years, but it isn't...

I wish we could go places and enjoy ourselves, instead of just waiting for the bomb to drop. What is it like to go somewhere without a quick get-a-way plan?? How sad is that that we have to discuss beforehand what we are going to do when things get out of control? I know that this is my life, but sometimes I just wish it wasn't.

I am not saying that I wish my kids were different, because I love them so much. I love how Aaron calls me "Mother", and I love that Adrian likes to pick me flowers. I love how he asks me if I have to go to work, because he doesn't want to be anywhere without me. I love how she likes to snuggle with me every morning. I LOVE that he isn't embarassed to kiss his mom in front of people, and I LOVE that she asks me if I am smiling because she made me happy. I love that he can tell me that there are 612 minutes until bedtime, and I don't even have to check and see if he is right, or that August 12 in 1952 was on a Tuesday.... (You don't need to look it up, because it is) I love it.

But I would also love it if I could go to anywhere and not have to wonder if he is going to lose control while we are there. I would love it to do spur of the moment trips to someplace, and I would love it if I could come home and think, "Gee, that was FUN, I can't wait to do it again!" and mean it; the words not dripping with sarcasm.

That's all.